Advice from a Caterpillar

'Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

..

 'One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.'

Most of the trouble I’ve had in life has been rooted from not remembering who I am, or not knowing who I was for that matter. I think that for most of us, that’s the case - we trail off-course whenever we are aimlessly navigating, unsure of  who we’re supposed to be, and unsure of where we’re supposed to be going. 

The funny thing is that we have always known both of those things. Life is just full of noise and distractions that make it a bit challenging to channel our course. We’re always changing size, eating both sides of the mushroom - hoping that somehow one day we’ll end up with the right amount, right size. 

Put the mushroom down.

In one of my previous blog posts, Alcoholic Alchemy, I described my tumultuous relationship with alcohol (and all substances, really). It was far from magic. All along tragic.

Alcohol was the elixir I thought would help me eventually get to the right size. Instead, it prolonged me from from waking up. It numbed up all of the noise, distractions, and chaos. It aroused my pain-rooted anger. It paused my growth, but time was still going, flowing. 

In order to change my course, and get back to where my soul actually wanted me to go, I had to stop and go back to basics. 

'Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

I kept asking myself, “who am I?”, “what do I want to do?”, “what makes me happy?”

No obvious answers came to mind. Everything I came up with revolved around my job, the schools I attended, the places I had lived, people in my life. All empty answers. All vanity plates. 

So that’s where I realized my work and healing journey would have to start - answering the caterpillar.

I remember looking back at childhood pictures and diaries. For the first time since moving to the U.S., I got a glimpse of who I truly was, what drove the spark in my life. 

There’s a quote going around the internet that goes something like, “Go back. Way back. To that little girl walking barefoot on the sidewalk in the summer sun. Worry less. Be like her.” That’s exactly what I had to do.

I had to stop the noise and be like 1995 Irene: 

• Stop worrying about what might happen and enjoy the moment. 

• Stop pushing people away before they can hurt you as a defense mechanism.

• Stop running away from situations that make you uncomfortable, especially when they are an avenue for growth. No quitting. 

• Stop changing and adapting to people and situations just to fit in.

• Stop hurting people and taking them for granted.

• Stop using substances to [momentarily] ease the pain.

Stopping all of that behavior would leave me with the ability to make myself and others happy - that’s all I ever really wanted. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been very much worth it.

I had a dear friend of mine recently ask me how I did it. She’s known me my whole [North American] life and has seen me at all sorts of phases. She’d seen me be a “goody-goody”/never partied in high school/always getting straight A’s. She’d seen me at my college best - sleeping through classes and partying. She’d seen me at my broken adult - drinking every night and taking so many shots during a house party that I ended up in some bushes in front of my house while everybody walked around the neighborhood looking for me. 

“Messy” is an understatement. I embodied messy in my 20s. I was broken and selfish, and let me tell you, that’s not who I am. I know that now.

There’s not a straight answer to how I got better. But I can say it began with getting to know myself and embracing all aspects of me - both the beautiful aspects rooted from that little girl I once was, and the dark aspects rooted from the woman I had become.

• Own it. I had to cut the bullshit and be real with myself. I had to own it, every single bit of everything I had done and gone through - stop making excuses and  just own it. 

• Let go of any expectations or goals. Your body and soul are calling the shots now, ignore your ego.

• Remember why you are doing this - you are getting sober, taking care of yourself, etc. because you are trying to find who you truly are and better yourself. Pinpoint other important reasons (i.e. not wanting to hurt your loved ones anymore, you want to stop being an asshole, etc.), they will keep you going when things get tough.

• Don’t set yourself up for failure. I removed myself from any temptation-filled situations until I felt ready. I had to learn to parent and take care of myself. This means having a bottle of water with me whenever I’m drinking, not basing how much I’m having on how many drinks I’ve had, not drinking if I had a bad day, turning down invitations to gathering that are going to involve mindless drinking.

• Cleanse your body and space. I didn’t drink any alcohol for almost a year in order to get to know myself without it. I know not everybody can just cut it out cold-turkey, so listen to your body on this one (not your ego!). I also purged habits and  things that didn’t resonate with the life I was envisioning for myself. This included cigarettes - after 10 years of smoking on-and-off, I quit the big habit (over a year ago now!).

• You don’t have to do it alone. After many years of hesitancy towards going to a shrink, I realized it was the best thing for me to do. I hadn’t made many friends after moving to Wisconsin, and this was not something my boyfriend and family could help me process. I love my counselor and am grateful for mental health practitioners! Aside from mental health help, I also found a spiritual community to support me - whatever you choose to believe in, and however you choose to practice it, just do it.

• Patience is key. I have definitely frustrated myself during this journey, but I had to remember that my shadow side is also part of me and I had to embrace it. Meditation has helped immensely with this one, especially whenever my thoughts race too much, my anxiety takes over, or I get angry with myself.

It’s all about doing things that enhance your being, not deter it - a couple of cocktails never hurt anybody! It’s the reason behind why you are drinking that matters. I find it hard to believe that somebody can regularly drink to the point of blacking out without having some healing work to do! Why would you want to blackout on any time of your life and not be present? And yes, alcohol is a social lubricant, but just one drink can get you there. 

My journey is far from over, but I hope my thoughts can help others out there. You’re not alone, and you can and will heal. Remember who you are, Simba!